All the "dumb" checks...

(4) Have you configured any responses to be sent from these queues?

Bingo. A thousand thanks. I don't mind being dumb if it means it gets it working. I'd read the docs, but, alas, they are, shall we say, non-trivial, and sometimes things slip through the cracks. And, unfortunately, I'd been looking for the word "notify," not "response". Wups. Deeply appreciated for knocking some sense into my head; I'll get to keep my boss from going with a closed-source application, and I'll get to have some fun with the powerful tool that OTRS certainly appears to be. Thanks to all who took the time to respond! -Ken